You are Selfish and Rude!
That hit hard, who wants to be called or be known as a selfish and rude person?
And yet, this had been something I’ve heard on occasion about myself – might you relate?
Upon first hearing, I became triggered, reactive, and defensive, exclaiming, I’m not selfish or rude why would you even say that?
Their response, “Because it’s all about you, it’s Magda’s way, you and your dog!”
Ones response to hearing anything that brings out an Ouch, a sting, a trigger, and wanting to exclaim, “that’s so not true!” Ready to fire back and be defensive – that my friend, is what and where shadow work begins.
I’ve been asked at times, could you please explain what shadow work is, in its simplest form? Seems to be a hot topic these days in self-help and I would like to know more. In turn, I am happy to share some of my own personal shadow(s) worked through as an example.
Generally speaking, one’s shadow could refer to an emotion, desire, limiting belief, a projection, anything one does NOT want to think of themselves as being or having or hear someone else say that about them, in essence, anything that triggers and ultimately makes you defensive – is known as ones shadow.
We all have shadows we prefer to keep hidden, a secret, deny they exist, often things that we don’t feel appear in a positive light about ourselves. They are created from various conditions around ones upbringing, usually at a very young age, maybe from what parents or teachers have said, maybe even those at church, they are the things where someone said something we internalized as hurtful, an insinuation, or negative comment / insult when very impressionable.
Maybe even making you feel like you were supposed to know something and didn’t, thus making you feel inadequate, not smart, unaware. That’s where shadows may be created, and meant to be hidden, to stay in the dark so as not to bring forward to the light for all to see and hear because I’m not that such and such. Typically, we feel shame around, not worthy, even sometimes stupid; we’ll do everything to deny that part of ourselves because someone else said in such a manner our interpretation knew it was a negative not positive or “bad” comment eliciting very uncomfortable feeling within, as an example.
Many have written about Shadow Work over the years, and is a concept rooted in psychology, particularly described in the work of Carl Jung, referring to “the process of exploring and integrating the unconscious or hidden aspects of oneself – those parts of the personality or experiences that have been repressed, denied, or ignored.”
Further examples include the following, you were told:
You are lazy,
Why are you so mean,
You don’t care about anybody but yourself,
You waste money,
You spend too much,
Why are you so jealous,
Why don’t you work,
You want so much attention,
Why are you always sad, angry…,
Maybe one or several resonate with you?
When hearing I was selfish and rude, I wanted to first exclaim, do you know how long I’ve been a people pleaser, trying to make sure everyone else was feeling better than I might be in certain situations? Or how many times I’ve compromised myself and wanted to say no when I said yes. Only later, building up so much resentment turned anger for abandoning myself, and you think I’m being selfish and rude?! That was my internal dialogue. At times, wished I had shared some of it, would it have helped? Certainly not, not any conversation in defensive mode because speaking defensively isn’t a conversation but rather statement making, not dialogue. And more importantly, it was to first and foremost ask, what feelings were coming up for me because of this.
Asking why it was stinging, triggering to hear I’m a selfish and rude person, why did that have me in anger?
Here’s why and the process for facing those aspects of self.
I recalled often hearing at an early age, “Magda, you always do your own thing, never wanting to be around, you choose to be with so and so, you don’t love us.” (For the reader, think about your own feelings and the times that come up in your life that made / make you feel uncomfortable, attacked, or sound unreasonable.)
I loved my family but dear lord they weren’t always an easy bunch to love, most often I had felt abandoned by them physically and emotionally. But the guilt would creep when comments like that were made. What, they (my parents) think I don’t love them? So, I would abandon myself to make sure they felt better, more loved, but never once did I mention how I wasn’t feeling loved by their actions or lack thereof; instead, what could I do to make them feel better and loved, and in turn hope and pray I would begin to feel loved? Crazy how all this works and what we do. Fascinating!
My shadow was a desire to not appear non-loving or caring which ultimately turned me into being a people pleasing fool, just to feel loved. However, the moment I set a boundary and said, “No” because I said more yeses in my life than no, (in effort to feel more love) it came as a surprise to the person I was saying no to. Which highlighted the shadows that being selfish and rude meant I wasn’t being loving, caring towards them as expressed by what my parents told me at a young age.
As I worked more to heal from painful past events, I learned about boundaries. Generations before, and our own parents often had no boundaries, so how could they even know what they are and meant, absolute impossibility? We weren’t allowed to express our feelings; they were nonexistent in our household. Instead, always do as told, no questions asked. Therefore, the shadow terms held a specific meaning stemming from childhood, through a child’s mind (mine) meant I wasn’t being loving if I’m selfish and rude. Yet, as an adult, I knew that was not true.
Essentially, I would be denying my own desire for love from them if I wasn’t loving (them) my parents as requested, if I didn’t prioritize their needs and wants I would not be loved as wanted and answered why I wasn’t feeling love from them, as rationalized from my younger perspective. I wasn’t giving enough in order to be loved. Instead, it was now about reframing what being selfish and rude meant for me and not through a child’s mind. I understood why it brought forth adverse feelings in me and the aspect of working through to finally accept being selfish and rude was a great thing!
How another saw me as selfish and rude coupled with how I now understood being selfish and rude was my standing up for myself, not self-abandoning, ultimately meaning, loving myself and tending to my needs and desires in order to truly support and love another without resentment or abandonment of self. By understanding the feelings that came up and tracing back to where I gave a specific meaning (most often, the meaning assigned was not true but through a child’s mind we believed true) we can understand and ultimately accept the shadow with new meaning and its importance thus adding to our wholeness.
So, while I was called selfish and rude, instead of feeling a sting, felt proud for being called selfish and rude because it meant I was not abandoning myself while continuing to love myself and the person saying it. In essence, I received a compliment. Upon reflection, even in my youth, when considered as selfish or rude it was then that my self-worth knew it was worthy of being treated with love that I could not self-abandon and yet my love never waivered for myself or for my family during those times, but through my child’s mind, my younger perspective, being called selfish and rude meant I wasn’t a loving person. Which was never the case or true, I was always a loving person then and now.
Might you relate?
In doing the work, towards acceptance of the very things we had hidden for various reasons, dismissed, or projected only allows more of those qualities to show up in our lives seen in others until we reckon with, work to and accept within ourselves. And sometimes, maybe we really were too selfish or rude thereby hurting someone with our actions. Examine the context, ask questions, get clarity because the work entails going deeper than the surface, requires curiosity, courage, and a desire for deeper connection. As we accept those qualities in ourselves we accept and become far more compassionate and empathic of others sharing those qualities, too. As the saying goes, what we resists persists. Time to make friends with our shadows. By doing so, leads to greater creativity, intuition, fulfillment, and personal power towards ones wholeness.
By exploring our shadows, we gain more self-awareness and healing. The Buddhist while they don’t specifically use the term shadow work, Thich Khat Hanh’s teachings coincides with Jung and other’s when they express the importance of accepting difficult emotions and experiences, rather than suppressing and avoiding, and that by confronting and integrating our difficult emotions and experiences we grow personally adding to our wholeness and well-being.
