What gifts may show up from pain and suffering
Have you ever heard one’s suffering may provide some future gifts?
WHAT, are you kidding me?
Do you mean some of the worst things ever experienced may serve as a doorway to a gift?
That just sounds ludicrous!
That’s exactly what I thought when I first heard, and here’s another thought also shared soon after,
And IT (you name the trauma) never touched YOU, you are, were, and will always be whole no matter the event or events.
That mumbo-jumbo stuff sounds very farfetched, I kept saying to myself how does one even come up with some of this stuff? And yet, those comments would long after linger – was there something to this after all?
I would like to say it was an Aha moment at the time, but it was not. This was too new and so far from how I thought and believed – it would take a lot of unlearning; from what I thought I knew and came to feel extremely comfortable with. In the meantime, I continued to present a persona to the outside world of a professional, put together woman who appeared successful, enjoyed nice homes, cars, vacations, dream jobs with travel and yet she (I) was still battling some old demons despite the successes. In a sense, I believed the happier I became resulted from being more successful. Seems we all may have been duped, isn’t that what most of us have been told or came to believe through societal conditioning? The more I do towards getting or being xyz the less pain and suffering and more happiness towards all that life truly has to offer.
At age 50, I had just ended a noticeably short marriage, from briefly dating, married within 5-6 months and divorced in less than 2 years. This was my first official marriage, and it was to a woman. I was never one to take things lightly. This marriage was no different, it was very sacred despite the internal conflicts of marrying a woman. While I was excited and hopeful for all the possibilities, to have a partner to walk with celebrating and witnessing life alongside me was something I long desired. It wasn’t easy the road that brought me to those moments nor the time thereafter.
While I’m approaching my 60th birthday celebration later this year, I’m ecstatic to be alive and continue to enjoy every single birthday I’m blessed to have. Although, I’ve not always felt that way. Some days, I held little hope that anything would change since the cards seemed stacked against me. I had always felt different, not like “normal” people describe. From an early age (Kindergarten) I felt drawn to women, on TV, in school, and around me. I never felt an overly sense of joy, safety, excitement, attraction towards boys or men. This was going to be a problem, especially raised in a deeply religious household. I was seen as a good little witness alongside her father going from door to door talking about the “Good News,” as a Jehovah Witness. My father was an Elder, like a pastor or priest, seen as a beacon of light and counselor to those belonging to the Kingdom Hall…could it get any worse?
What some religions do to young impressionable children by instilling various dogmas and fear? I struggled all through my adolescence, falling in love with two girls in high school. They provided the air I needed to breathe, a life to wake up and be happy with, they were truly my inspiration to be alive. How could that be so wrong?
I would later hear and learn about the terms, and labels of lesbian, gay, and queer. I disliked even hated those terms because not one pleasant thing was attributed or said in our household, even outside in the world when hearing those words, nothing kind was conveyed. I just could not be THAT?!!! Not what people were saying, Dear God, please no, I will go to hell, burn, nor go to heaven when I die. And that’s just acknowledging one specific trauma over beliefs.
Fast-forward during my young adult years, they too were sprinkled with struggle. I rarely if ever used the term lesbian for myself. It made me feel nauseous, especially how my father would refer to them, even calling the Golden Girls all lesbians, and I just loved that show! In my career, I also kept my sexuality hidden, it just wasn’t something I wanted to say about myself to others, but it became trickier the closer I got with friends. At some point I would have to decide and share or else I felt dishonest, deceptive in not sharing the parts of me I was hiding.
This resulted in much built-up anger and sadness. And while I’m prioritizing my sexuality in this paper, many other traumas aside from being gay growing up in the 70s-80s were interwoven speaking to all the pain and suffering, I felt. We all suffer to varying degrees, like a person who has gone to war on the battlefield and is later diagnosed with PTSD. I would offer how many of us have gone to war within ourselves – while not taking away from what those men, women and for the most part young adults have gone through – traumas and their degree on the psyche affects each one uniquely and while we share same and similar symptomology our bodies and psyche process uniquely to our personal being.
I was leading a double life, and it was wearing on me. I just wanted to be normal, like everyone else, fall in love, get married and live a joyful life. However, knowing my life was going to look and be different I had to make sure I could maneuver in the world without a man or believing in that dream. While I would date men here and there, hopeful something inside me would change, it never did. I had even been proposed to three separate times – they were incredible, thoughtful, caring men. I would ultimately let them know it wasn’t them; it was me. I remember thinking though and intrigued by the thought of how someone could be so in love with me and yet, I was not with them. I was certain they could see right through me and notice such doubts. It is amazing how we might personally fill in the blanks when it comes to relationships. Where to fit in and belong often evaded me.
Being sensitive to language, terminology, and labels, they often try to describe who a person is and yet fail miserably in describing or capturing the essence of human beings in their wholeness. We are very multifaceted, multidimensional beyond our own human comprehension. As they say, humans have tapped into less than 10% of one’s own brain power. In the meantime, as a young woman I was always trying to find my place, my tribe, my people and “the one” that would finally make it all make sense. I remember going to a gay bar in Long Beach, California for the first time in the late 80s experiencing so much trepidation, I must have circled that establishment a dozen times wondering if I should go in or not. It was known as the Executive Suite, a bar and dance club primarily for women to meet other women and to dance.
It was a huge step; I was 22-23 years old at the time. I remember standing in line outside thinking this may be a sign I should leave just because there was a line to get in, or should I stand waiting to potentially meet other like-minded women, find my tribe, maybe some peace? While in my daydream contemplating, I was suddenly jolted back being asked for money to enter, told to have an exciting time and welcome! So, there I was standing inside this new yet scary place of unknowns. I was thrilled at the possibilities, and I was feeling good with my outfit, blue jeans, and a blazer, which seemed like my staple outfit. I was comfortable in, and seemed to convey confidence, and yet the butterflies in my stomach almost made me nauseous.
I was happy to see women dancing with each other, and in a way, felt cool. Like I could be the cool kid here since never feeling so elsewhere. That would never happen either in that realm, but it was and has been part of my journey towards understanding myself and others. Each person, partner, friend, man, woman, they were all part of the extravagant puzzle I was piecing together which would eventually lead me to ask, who really am I?
This was not my first inquiry, as a Philosophy major (in my late 20s, I received bachelor’s at age 30!) I read about the French philosopher René Descartes, “I think, therefore I am” also considered the “father of modern philosophy”. In essence, to think, to discern equates to existence. Therefore, I must exist sheerly by the act of thinking. Fascinating. I loved the BIG WHY questions, most likely probably drove my mom nuts always asking why this or that.
From thoughts also appears the witness to the thoughts. One may have to read that again, I did even after typing – the fact that I am aware of having thoughts, that I am witness to my thinking mind means I am separate as the one thinking to the one that is observing – if I were one and the same as my thought I could not question or know a separateness. While separate in the awareness whole in Being. For me, and other philosophers, it is how we come to understand the existence of a soul. And thus, the term most often heard, we as human Beings are Spiritual beings having physical experiences. One may wonder why I’ve gone from my personal experiences of suffering and pain to philosophical inquiry. Because that’s when I was able to connect and understand one dot – Suffering happened for me and not to me.
Whatever trauma, abuse, pain I felt, physically, and emotionally, did NOT change or alter the wholeness of my essence, my soul. The soul is intact, perfect, present but what does occur due to those adverse experiences will certainly affect my persona, my psyche, my physical being in some shape or form BUT NOT WHO I AM, at my core, my soul level.
And what will those experiences provide via the hardships of life but a doorway to greater understanding, gifts are revealed that only those events could have brought you, specifically. They provide one with far more compassion and empathy for others if we choose to unwrap the gift and celebrate instead of staying in victim mentality. If one stays a victim they place their power into the hands of the abuser, aggressor and feel little to no hope in their own power. Mind you, we all go through feeling victimized because we were, physically and emotionally victims in the physical realm with whatever was perpetrated upon us without our consent. That is true, however, our spiritual being, my soul was never touched. Your soul was never touched. Those experiences will enhance our overall spiritual growth and provide meaning to one’s existence. IT is in these experiences where purpose is also created.
Therefore, my growing up different as a gay woman and for the reader, whatever made you feel different, or adversely impacted your life leads one to have more compassion and empathy towards ourselves and through the process extends to the greater society because of the differences and the courage to inquire. For when we remain a victim, blaming or stop asking we stunt our own blossoming, our own growth, towards understanding the innate beauty of our own wholeness and that of others. Like the lotus flower, the powerful symbol of purity, rebirth, and resilience appearing from muddy waters to bloom in pristine beauty is symbolic, reflective of our own struggles, overcoming adversity to finding inner peace. My wholeness encompasses everything that is part of (even the muddy, dirty parts) and done for me not to me. That changes everything and for me was liberating. I hope you find it liberating too.
Follow soul – observe, sit back and let soul express for your highest good.
